Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
