i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
