i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
