I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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