I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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