Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
