need another drink. this is the easiest way
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
