I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
