Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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