Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
we're so committed to being not committed
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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