I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
