I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
