In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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