I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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