Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I had to cum in my sink.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
