Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
