Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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