I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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