College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
