I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
