i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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