the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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