Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
