That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
