and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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