having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Help. Why am I so naked?
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