i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
