just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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