i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
