Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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