yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
