Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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