I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
