forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
