I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
