Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
