its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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