some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
