I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
