I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
