it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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