i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
