best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
