I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think my fart just growled at me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
