I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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