Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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