I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
