I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
