Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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