awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize
